Hooking Up

While I was waiting in line at the Beijing airport to buy an overpriced pastry, I met a Dutch guy and his girlfriend.  We got to talking, and I mentioned that I was flying to Hamburg. 
The guy said, "Oh, you have to go to the Red Light District!"
I laughed and replied, "That's kind of an odd recommendation."
"No, it's not like that.  It's touristy, he said.
"It's fun for the whole family," added the girlfriend.
"And kids get in free!" I said, getting excited about the idea.
Suddenly, there was an uncomfortable silence while they just stared at me.  They quickly excused themselves and said they were going to check out a different restaurant.  Yeah, like I'm the weirdo.

Hamburg is beautiful.  It's surrounded by lakes and rivers with old brick buildings and parks in between.  There was an interesting mix of historic and modern architecture throughout.

I learned two things about Radek on this outing.  First, he hates rain.  He's constantly looking up at the sky and saying, "It's going to rain in about 15 minutes.  We need to go inside somewhere."  This seems kind of strange to me since he lives in Germany which gets an average of 30 inches of rain per year, and there is this invention called an umbrella.  I can only assume he has the same weakness as the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz.  Secondly, Radek is obsessed with towers.  If there is a tower, we have to go up it.  This eccentricity is understandable since he is a nerdy engineer.  Also, I like towers too, so it is not as easy to make fun of him regarding this.

We went to a fair and were walking around trying to decide which fatty, fried foods to eat when I was accosted by this funky German fellow with a box full of condoms, fuzzy handcuffs, beer, whips, etc.  Radek explained that he was going to get married, and it is tradition for the groom to sell all of his bachelor type items.  The Groom spoke a little English, so I congratulated him.  His friend offered me a flyswatter which I could use to slap him on the butt for one euro.  I was a little uneasy about doing that in front of Radek, so I declined and picked up a measuring stick. 
"What do you do with this?" I wondered.
The groom said, "It's for when you mess up."
This made me laugh because I knew he meant "measure" but used the wrong English word.  Also, I found his description more fitting anyway.  It's like when you buy a couch and realize when you get home that it doesn't fit through the doorway.  Then, you think "Dang, why didn't I measure first before I messed up?"

Prostitution is legal in Germany, and Hamburg is famous for it's Red Light District.  In fact, this is the main reason I wanted to visit this city.  Unfortunately, we arrived a little too early.  The sun was still shining, and the streets were almost barren.  "I want to see the hookers," I whined.  Radek apologized as if it were his fault the ladies of the night were still waking up, putting on mascara, and smoking crack before the descended upon the streets.  We passed the time by wandering around sex paraphernalia shops and pointing out items that we thought might interest each other.  "Check out this video."  "Do you need a ball gag?"  "What do you do with that?"

Finally, I saw what appeared to be a prostitute in front of a bar.
"Look!  A hooker!  Over there." I announced with stars in my eyes.
The closer we got, it became apparent to me that this was not a woman but a transvestite.  Radek didn't agree, so a discussion ensued.
"Look how tall she is.  It's definitely a guy," I said.
"Women can be tall," Radek said.
"Not that tall."

Then, we started seeing more and more whores.  I was surprised at the number of them.  They lined every street, even directly across from the police station.  What was even more shocking was their appearance.  I expected it to be like in the movies where pretty ladies wore tight, slutty outfits.  But these women were mediocre to plain ugly, and they wore jeans with big fluffy coats.  "Jeez, they aren't attractive.  Even I could do this," I mused.  I told Radek that I wanted to see him get hassled, but he said they wouldn't bother him since I was with him.  Naturally, I let go of his hand, and ran away.  He didn't like that.

We stopped and watched some particularly raggedy hookers attempt to gain the interest of men passing by.  They would run over, grab some loser's arm, and say something in German.
"What are they saying?  What are their lines?" I asked.
"Do you want to cuddle?  Do you want to have some fun?  Stuff like that."  Radek explained.

Radek told me about one street where women were not allowed even though it was a public street.  "What happens if a girl walks there anyway," I asked.
"They yell scream at the women."
"Why?"
"That is where the high priced prostitutes are.  They don't want the women to take the men."

Well, now I really wanted to see this street.  Radek decided that it would probably be acceptable since there still weren't too many people on the streets yet.
"Don't hesitate.  Just go and keep walking," he advised.
We walked up to the street which was mostly hidden from view with a big brick wall and two large signs stating, "Women prohibited."  We quickly snaked around the entrance, and my eyes grew huge.  Oh my God!  Now, this was like the movies!  The street was lined with flats that had huge windows.  Beautiful naked girls wearing only panties and high heels stood or sat in full display in front of each window.  Occasionally, they would open their window to tempt the men strolling by.  One woman opened her window as we passed and said something that made Radek laugh.
"What did she say?" I asked.
"She said, "You can bring her too."
"Ooohhhh, she likes us!"
This led me to think about some awkward questions.  Would Radek be interested?  How much would it cost?  What exactly would take place?  Does she have a pimp? 
"Wanna do a threesome?" I ventured.
Radek kept walking like a polite gentleman, but I'm sure he was wondering the same things.

The highlight of the night was going to the bar where a gorgeous transvestite was hanging out.  We were both amazed at her/his flamingo-like legs and tiny waist.  She sang a song for the large crowd.  Afterwards, I got my picture taken with my new idol.