Normally, I avoid the news and let all the other gasbags pounce on world affairs, but something has come to my attention that is of such great import that I feel the need to comment. According to Sanrio, the creators of Hello Kitty...get ready for it...Hello Kitty is not a cat.
It's true. I read it on the C.N.N. website, a reputable news source (albeit not as credible as B.B.C.). I was scrolling the front page headlines which contained mostly trivial affairs such as the Ebola outbreak, Russia invading Ukraine, and terrorism in Syria when I came across this shocking story. Sanrio claims, "Hello Kitty is not a cat. She's a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She's never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it's called Charmmy Kitty."
W.T.F. Sanrio? Let us consider the following exhibits. Exhibit A shows Hello Kitty, a logo I found on the official Hello Kitty website. It clearly portrays a kitten with long whiskers, paws, pointy ears on the top of her head, and a tail. Let's not forget the glaring fact that her name includes the word, Kitty. Now, please observe Exhibit B. Here we have a picture of a little girl. Notice the lack of whiskers, pointy ears, paws and tail? I don't know her name since I got this off Google Images, but I'm just going to go out on a limb here, and say it does not contain the word, kitty.
A B
In addition, let's consult the dictionary on the definition of the word, cat. "Cat, n, a soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in a domestic circle." Ohhh, wait...perhaps I should not use Ambrose Bierce's definition from The Devil's Dictionary in this particular matter. Instead, let us refer to Merriam Webster's Dictionary which includes the following definition. "Cat, n, a small animal that is related to lions and tigers and that is often kept by people as a pet." (It also includes the definition, "a malicious woman," which I find a little insulting and have a few things to say about, but I don't want to get catty.)
This opens the door to so many questions. What about those hairless female cats that are dressed up in clothes and trained walk on two legs? What about the cats whose tails got cut off in an accident, and their faces were burned, so they have no whiskers? Are they actually little girls?
The public is clearly outraged by this confusing news. One concerned mother hissed, "My young daughter walks on all fours, and she is quite hairy. There is a lot of hair on her upper lip that I used to think was just one of those female mustaches but which I now believe to be whiskers! Is my daughter a cat?" At this point in my imaginary interview, the mother burst into tears, ran away, and hid under a car.
Although aptly titled, I am boycotting Hello Kitty Con 2014! Also, I demand a retraction from Sanrio. Scratch that (not literally). I demand an apology right meow to the entire world, especially Asia, because the evidence in clear. Hello Kitty is, in fact, a CAT.
It's true. I read it on the C.N.N. website, a reputable news source (albeit not as credible as B.B.C.). I was scrolling the front page headlines which contained mostly trivial affairs such as the Ebola outbreak, Russia invading Ukraine, and terrorism in Syria when I came across this shocking story. Sanrio claims, "Hello Kitty is not a cat. She's a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She's never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it's called Charmmy Kitty."
W.T.F. Sanrio? Let us consider the following exhibits. Exhibit A shows Hello Kitty, a logo I found on the official Hello Kitty website. It clearly portrays a kitten with long whiskers, paws, pointy ears on the top of her head, and a tail. Let's not forget the glaring fact that her name includes the word, Kitty. Now, please observe Exhibit B. Here we have a picture of a little girl. Notice the lack of whiskers, pointy ears, paws and tail? I don't know her name since I got this off Google Images, but I'm just going to go out on a limb here, and say it does not contain the word, kitty.
A B
This opens the door to so many questions. What about those hairless female cats that are dressed up in clothes and trained walk on two legs? What about the cats whose tails got cut off in an accident, and their faces were burned, so they have no whiskers? Are they actually little girls?
The public is clearly outraged by this confusing news. One concerned mother hissed, "My young daughter walks on all fours, and she is quite hairy. There is a lot of hair on her upper lip that I used to think was just one of those female mustaches but which I now believe to be whiskers! Is my daughter a cat?" At this point in my imaginary interview, the mother burst into tears, ran away, and hid under a car.
Although aptly titled, I am boycotting Hello Kitty Con 2014! Also, I demand a retraction from Sanrio. Scratch that (not literally). I demand an apology right meow to the entire world, especially Asia, because the evidence in clear. Hello Kitty is, in fact, a CAT.
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