Just Some Towers and Churches

Germany was not on my travel list.  Yes, I actually have a list of places I want to visit.  I also have a list of dive sites, and a list of countries for retirement.  Why do I have such lists?  Probably because dreaming up elaborate, well-researched lists is more fun than living my mundane life.  But I digress.  Why did I end up in Germany?  I had three reasons.  Radek invited me.  I had a free place to stay, and I've never been there.  That was good enough for me.

Since I'm pretty sure the three readers of this blog already know the story, I will just give a quick recap of how I met Radek.  Three days after my desperate escape from Bangkok Hospital, I bought a new belly ring and ate some Pad Thai.  Then, I was thirsty, so I stopped at 7-11 to purchase a drink before getting a henna tattoo and shopping for dresses.  (Because that's what people do ten days after they almost die in a Cambodian hospital.)  As I strolled down Khao San Road, I tried repeatedly to open the bottle.  I don't know what the problem was.  Normally, even an imbecile like me can manage to twist off a cap, but this things was fused on with some sort of nuclear powered welding torch.  After straining for five minutes, I finally decided to walk up to the first burly dude I saw and ask for help.  That dude was Radek.  He opened the bottle (with some effort I'd like to point out), we chatted, I left because I had that important appointment with the henna tattoo guy, and we both thought we'd never see each other again.  However, fate had other ideas; we did meet again.

This is my recollection of that evening.  I had just spent four lonely months living in the rice paddies of rural Cambodia.  And here was a man who was not only handsome but could open tight things, two attributes which I find very appealing.  Therefore, I seduced him with my magical powers.  For I was Venus, the Roman goddess of love, beauty, and sexuality.  This mere mortal fell under my spell immediately.  He had no choice.  He was magnetized by my charm and eroticism.  There was no other plausible explanation.  How else could the lives of an American expat and a German collide on the streets of Bangkok?  It was destiny.  And who can fight that?

What actually happened that night probably played out more like this.  A nerdy engineer was sitting alone at a table on Khao San Road, doing mathematical calculations in his head for fun.  A girl walked up.  She actually talked to him.  End of story.  (After later consulting with Radek about the event, he agreed that this is pretty much what occurred.  However, he initially thought my request for assistance was a pick-up line.  He added, "Imagine my disappointment when I realized the bottle really was hard to open.")

That's how I found myself in a tiny European car with a giant German headed toward some town called Lübeck.  I didn't have any idea what to expect, but I was enjoying the picturesque corn fields, just recently harvested, dotted with big bales of hay rolled into perfect ovals.  Suddenly, I saw an UNESCO sign. 
"What's the UNESCO sign for?" I asked.
"Oh, there are some towers and churches.  But they're not very old," Radek said in a bored manner.
"Well, they must be important if they're an UNESCO site.  Have you visited them?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"They're only 800 years old."
Then, he made fun of me for being a silly American and thinking anything over 250 years old is amazing.

Minutes later, we were approaching Burgtorbrücke, one of the four entrances to the beautiful, medieval, walled town of Lübeck.  Holy shit!  He lives here?  This isn't a place where people actually live; it's a place they visit on a weekend get-a-way.  Even though the entire town was bombed to the ground during WWII, it has been carefully restored and preserved to appear almost as it did 800 years ago.  The Trave River forks into two smaller rivers that snake around the town, before coming together again, making it a tiny island.  It's clustered with historic sites: elaborate gothic cathedrals, tall green towers, museums, bridges, statues, and monuments.  You can't walk ten feet without running into a historic landmark.  Plus, it's absolutely stunning.  There are lovely green parks, ponds for swimming, and everyone rides bicycles.  Radek's flat is on a narrow, tree lined, cobble-stone road with tall brick and wood houses in tidy rows.  There are gardens and window boxes with flowers.  Thick, green ivy climbs the walls of the buildings.  Church bells ring each hour from all directions.  I expected to see Pippi Longstocking come skipping around the corner at any moment.

"Oh my God!  It's so pretty!  I can't believe you live here.  It's like a fairy tale.  I love the church bells," I squealed.
Radek complained about the bells for a while.
"Do you realize that you live within the walls of an UNESCO site?"
"Oh.  Uh.  No." 
"Have you been in any of these cathedrals?"
"I think one."
Whoa.  I knew this guy was a nerd, but seriously? 

I couldn't wait to explore every inch of this World Heritage Site.  I got a tourist map and over the course of five days, I went to every single place on the list - except the Puppet museum, for the obvious reason.  Marionettes  are terrifying.

Sometimes Radek would accompany me on walks around his "boring" town and casually point out places of interest. 
"This was the house of Günter Grass.  He was a writer."
"Have you read any his books?"
"I had to read one in school."
"Did you like it?"
He mumbled something about it being not that interesting.  I later found out that Günter Grass won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1999. 

Mr. Grass is not the only noteworthy person from Lübeck.  This town has produced many illustrious visionaries including: explorers, painters, composers, novelists, and philosophers.  Let's review some of the remarkable people Phoenix has cranked out.  John Dillinger, bank robber.  Jenna Jamison, porn star.  Danny Bonaduce, actor who got arrested twice.  Once, for buying cocaine right before hosting a "Don't do Drugs" event for children, another time for beating up a prostitute.  In his defense he said, "I thought he was a girl. I picked him up, he got in my car. As soon as he got in and the dome light hit him, it was obvious. He wasn't a good transvestite. If he was a good transvestite, I might never had known. I was wasted...I attacked him first, not because I wanted to, I just thought I was going to have to...So I attacked him and it turned into a fight."  Yep, it bring tears of pride to my eyes just thinking about these extraordinary individuals.
                     
Although Radek is a nerd, and I may, from time to time, gently mock his idiosyncrasies, I really like him.  He is sweet, intelligent, and funny, but most importantly, he puts up with me.  By the way, I am not being insulting by calling him a nerd.  He gave himself that nickname.  At some point, he began referring to me as "the artist."  I'm not sure about the accuracy of this label.  Despite the fact that I am creative (which we all know is a polite way of saying slightly deranged), I have never published or sold any type of work of art.  I did, however, win a writing contest in the 6th grade, so I will go ahead and allow the epithet.

I should probably be a little concerned that Radek's definition of the word art is, "If I don't understand it, it must be art."  In addition, Radek might have reason to be concerned because when he starts talking about math, my mind starts to wander, and I think about all kinds of things...like Skittles candy.  How come the slogan for Skittles is "Taste the rainbow," yet not one of the various packages of Skittles actually contain all the colors of the rainbow?  Now, this is a cause for concern.