In my quest to find a job that will actually provide me with enough money to move out of my parent's house, I have applied to over 30 jobs, most of which I am way overqualified, so I had to dumb down my résumé. I had one interview to be a cashier. They never called me back. I took that as a no. Therefore, I decided to go in a different direction and apply for jobs in which I had no education or experience. Weirdly, I immediately received a request for an interview.
I spoke with the overly perky, Heather, on the phone and asked her about the job because the website was unclear. She told me it was marketing and sales. I would manage customers for Staples and get new ones. She asked if that was something I could do. Naturally, I had no idea what that meant, but said yes. She told me to dress business professional.
After our conversation, I went to my closet and tried to find something businessy. It was a disaster. I've been wearing shorts and flip-flops for two years. I don't even own any shoes with backs on them. I Googled "business professional." There were pictures of women wearing pant suits, high heels, and panty hose. This was an even worse than I imagined.
Clearly, a trip to Goodwill was in order. I managed to find a black jacket which didn't look too matronly; although, it did have shoulder pads. I also found some high heels that were only slightly too big. Along with a few items I actually owned, I was able to create an ensemble that gave the impression that I knew how to dress myself.
Then, I called up my friend, Jeff, and asked, "How do I pretend to be a professional?"
"What is this job?"
"I don't know. Marketing and stuff."
"What will you be doing? Is it customer relations? Will you check inventory or data?"
"I don't know. You're not answering my question."
By the end of the call, I still didn't know how to act like a professional, so I painted my nails with clear nail polish because that seemed like something a professional lady might do.
When I told my parents about the interview, all my mom heard was the word, marketing.
"Is it telemarketing? You don't want to do telemarketing!"
"No, it's not telemarketing. It's a fancy job. I had to buy a jacket."
"Did you have enough money for a jacket?"
"I bought it at Goodwill for $7.99. And I left the tag on, so I can return it if I don't get the job."
"Can you see the tag?"
"No, it's hidden. It'll be fine."
The preparation for the interview mostly involved me trying to decide whether or not to wear make-up. I applied eye shadow, then spent 10 minutes trying to rub it off since it was obvious that I don't know how to pull off this look.
The interview started off well. Megan was impressed that I lived in Cambodia, so we chatted about that for a while. Then, the real questions began. This is the part where I had to answer appropriately, mostly by lying.
Megan asked, "What is a weakness you would like to work on?"
What I thought: Sales. Selling stuff. Pretending I like people.
What I actually said: "Well, nothing that would interfere with the job. Of course, I have weaknesses. I talk to myself - kind of a lot. And I feel weird wearing high heels."
This made her laugh, so I figured it was a good answer.
"Where do you see yourself in 3-5 years?"
My thoughts: Living on a beach. Not wearing a pants suit.
What I said, "Being happy with what I am doing."
This seemed to please Megan as well.
Evidently, my perception of the interview was different than Megan's because I never heard from them again. Excuse me while I go look for a telemarketing job. In India.
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